On a positive note...

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life, but I'm trying.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

It's done!

One of the things I learned long ago, in my many years of therapy, is that depression is usually anger turned inwards. I spent most of the day yesterday under the covers trying to figure out why I had gone into such a deep depression over the last few weeks. The conclusion was that I was very, very angry. Several things had been bugging me over the last few months and in my effort to be the mom and nuturing caretaker of those around me, I had forgotten the number one person I needed to nurture, myself.

Once I recognized why I was angry and at whom, I set about the course of letting those that had hurt me know why I was angry. Not that I expected anything to come from it, but it's always best to let others know why your acting like you are.

My darling son, who received a butt load of my anger last night, was actually relieved. He said he knew something was wrong and thought it might be his fault somehow. I let him know I wasn't placing blame or fault on anyone. I was fully capable of chosing to be upset with something or not but that I thought it was best if he knew what he had been doing that was bugging me and if he felt like it he could correct the situation or not. At least I'd know where I stood and could move forward from there.

He's not the only one who has received a message from me either. This has been building for sometime and all the little things started feeling overwhelming. I've been noticing that I've had a much harder time being positive about anything lately. But enough is enough. It serves no purpose to sit around crying about what has happened in the past. What I can do is express my feelings and move on. So it's done.

Will I lose friends or family? I doubt seriously if I'll lose family and if I lose friends then they weren't really friends to begin with. If that happens, then I'll just have to accept that I'm not very good at picking my friends and try to do better the next time. In either case I feel so much better then I have been lately and that's a very good thing.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Hangin' in there.

I've had some very serious bouts with depression in my life. Once to the point that I attempted suicide. I'm going through one of those times right now. It would be so easy to just end it all, but I won't. I'm too much of a wuss to do that.

I guess I should thank my friend Lana, who believes in reincarnation, for telling me years ago that those who commit suicide come back to relive the very things that drove them to it in the first place. They must learn what they need to do in order to cope. Since I would rather suffer through this life then to come back and do it all again, I live, or should I say, exist.

This time, though, I have considered the fact that I've learned a lot in dealing with the crappy stuff that happened in the beginning of this life and just maybe I would bring that back with me. The next go around might turn out better nearer the end. Ofcourse with my luck I might end up a civil servant in the next world.

There may be no point to all this worry about the existance of a life after death. It may just be over and that's a thought that keeps coming to mind more and more lately. What if it's just over? What a blessing that would be.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ramblings...

Since Spring is now official, even if it's still way too cold for me, I thought I'd give some thoughts on life. More specifically, my life. I've never been a particularly outgoing person. It's always been very hard to open myself up to others. I suppose it's a matter of trust.

Trusting others has long been an issue for me. I learned at a very early age not to trust my parents. Those are the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and the people you should be able to trust completely. When they're the ones abusing that trust you tend to look at the rest of the world, the ones who aren't supposed to automatically love you, with a the eyes of a skeptic.

I have a tendency to hold people at arms length until they can prove their trustworthyness to me. God help them if after I open up to them they do something, even something small, that causes me to lose my faith and trust in them. I think I probably put a huge burden on my friends and loved ones because I expect them to never fail as human beings. It's really not fair since I don't always make the right decisions myself.

I'm trying very hard to become more tolerant and understanding of others. Really, I am. I also need to learn how to forgive. Forgiveness isn't one of my strong suits. Never has been. I have realized that I must learn to be more forgiving if I expect others to forgive me when I fail.

That really is a problem since I tend not to forgive myself. I want, no, expect myself to be better then everyone else around me. In this very flawed world I have a responsibility to be what I expect others to be...perfect. Yep, that's the real problem isn't it? Perfection. How, in this world, can you trust people who aren't perfect?

I guess I need to start to accept the small imperfections in others. I'm not talking about accepting angry, hate filled, or violent people into my life, but those who are probably just trying to find their way like me. Stumbling along through this life the best way they can making an opps once in awhile with no malice intended.

I love my friends and little family. If I truly love them, I need to lighten up.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The bug has arrived.

Yep, we got it. Whatever that crappy bug is that's going around. Well not all of the we that resides in this household. Homer, luckly, is out on an oil rig in the Pacific and has managed to escape. He called saying he was going to have to work through the weekend and I told him, "be glad." If he were home he'd probably catch whatever we've got. No fun at all.

Nyquil has become my friend. At least it helps me to sleep and that's probably best for what ails me right now. I guess I need to look on the bright side though, I lose weight when I'm this sick. Not the best way to do it, but effective none-the-less.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Feelings

I'm pondering whether I should let someone I consider a dear friend know how much my feelings have been hurt. The thing is maybe this person doesn't share my feelings about our friendship or perhaps I've done something to offend them that I'm unaware of and thus the snub. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I usually close doors on my feelings trying to shut away the hurt and that leads to the end of the friendship. Too painful to continue in the long run. I hope that doesn't happen here because this is someone I sincerely care about but am not sure how they would take my honestly saying to them, "You hurt me" or worse, would they even care? I really hate the self doubt that comes from wondering if I've been reading this person wrong all along. Could I be THAT stupid? I guess anything is possible. Right now, I'm just flat out hurt.