On a positive note...

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life, but I'm trying.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

They say you can't fight City Hall.

Wanna bet? Just watch me.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm waiting...

I'm having to tell myself to breathe. Inhale...exhale. I haven't been this cautiously optimistic about my son's career in awhile. Frankly, I'm enjoying the tingle and the rush.



The role he's up for calls for a tall, lanky, baby face. The character is supposed to look 17 but is actually 11 3/4. David is 20, 6'2", lanky and certainly has the baby face. He went in for the audition yesterday and got the producers session callback for last night. When asked if he thought he could play that young he told them, "I still play with action figures, yeah, I can play that young." Then he proceded to show them what he could do. He said something about the session felt right. Hopefully we'll hear good news today.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Such a pretty day.

It's a bit cloudy outside but there appears to be a promise of sunshine later in the day. Now that I've given my forecast for the weather how about the one for the rest of my life. Or at least next week in my life. It's pretty much the same as the weather, cloudy but a promise of sunshine.

Today I'm cleaning and organizing my office space. Yes, I've put off doing taxes but I do have until Monday to accomplish that task and have targeted tomorrow evening as the time to complete this frightening chore. Tomorrow is also the day I will join Weight Watchers. I'm hoping they can do more then just help me watch my weight. I've been doing that quite well for years and it keeps going up. Somehow just watching the scale hasn't helped.

I've also decided to join Curves. That's a womens excercise program that doesn't cost much and offers you help in exercising three times a week. I do need someone or something to help keep me motivated because I tend to be a tad on the lazy side when it comes to exercise. I'm also having my nails and hair done next week. I want to look as good as possible since I'll be job hunting as well over the next few weeks.

My resume is just about complete. I'm trying to fill in the gaps for 20 years of not doing much other then being my sons mom. That was a lot but somehow I don't think enough to warrent particular attention in gaining employment. I hope that someone will find my successful years in retail, though ages ago, enough of a draw to take a chance I still have what it takes. I know I do, now all I have to do is convience an employer who will probably be half my age. I will find work even if it's starting at the bottom again.

The most important thing about working is that I will be doing something for me. I believe it will give me a greater sense of accomplishment and a feeling of being worth more then just someones mom. Don't get me wrong, being a mom has been awesome. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in this world, but there does come a time when being a mom isn't all there is and it never should have been that in my life.

I've also got an appointment later next week to speak with a family therapist. I'm not sure if that will help but I would like someone not personally involved in my life to talk to and see if the expectaitons I have are reasonable and realistic. I do know that some of the people in my life, including myself, have to change. Things aren't working the way they are and I want them to work better for all of us, but mostly for me since that's the only person I have any real control over.

My goals are really simple I think. Work, lose weight, pay off debt, and save money to buy a house. Nothing out of the ordinary. Oh, I'd like to take a real vacation. One that involves going somewhere fun and interesting for a couple of weeks. Nothing on my mind but relaxing and enjoying where I am. I haven't been on one of those in years.

It feels good to have a plan once again in my life. I'm not sure why I ever stopped planning but now I'm back and feeling much happier. Yep, there is a definate chance of sunshine on it's way.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I'm not done...

At 5 AM this morning I woke up to the sound of running water. At first I thought it was my son taking a shower until I realized the sound was coming from my bathroom, not his. As I swung my feet onto the carpeted floor they splashed into about an inch or so of chilly water. The toilet tank had malfunctioned and was spilling water all over the floor. After turning off the valve I called maintenence. I've called the emergency number but they've yet to respond so I've sent my son off to rent a wetvac.

I'm experiencing bouts of hysterical laughter and having a really hard time holding on. I feel very beaten down right now. I'm trying to process all that has been happening in my life and I gotta say taking a rest is starting to look really, really good right now. There comes a point when no matter how hard you try to look on the bright side and remain positive if enough garbage piles up it begins to stink and there's no chance of covering it up. All you can do is leave.

The thing is, how do I want to leave? Part of me is seriously considering ending it once and for all. I'm willing to risk that it's just all over and there are no afterlife punishments for ending your life. As a matter of fact I don't know what the big deal is about a person chosing to take their own life. Why does everyone else fight so hard to keep you from doing that. I suppose it could be they want you to continue to share in the misery. A few of them probably love you and like having you around. Though, at the moment, I don't know why.

Another part of me is considering just leaving and going off somewhere alone for a bit or maybe forever. Is that how or where the homeless start? They just decide to leave oneday. I don't think I'd like being homeless very much. I like bathing everyday too much to let myself go that far.

So far I haven't been a quiter, ended it all, or run away. Maybe I haven't been an active player and that might be the problem, the lesson life is trying to get me to learn. I need to step up and become a more active participant in my life, rather then simply letting life do what it will with me. I run around putting my finger in all the leaks but I think I've finally run out of fingers. So instead I need to shore up the walls and the foundation better.

Okay, enough of feeling sorry for myself. No, I'm not going to end it all and I won't run away. I'll regroup and figure out a plan of action for moving forward. And life if you want to throw more shit my way, go ahead you son of a bitch. I'm going to start coming at you and punching back. This round ain't over yet! Can YOU take it?

Monday, April 10, 2006

This too shall pass.

Did you ever have one of those day, weeks, or months where nothing seemed to go right? Ofcourse you have, we ALL have. So far, for me, this year has been the pits. I just get to where things are kind of leveling out and BAM! the next piece of crap happens. I tell ya' it's getting to be kind of old and tiring.

The thing that is tiring is that I've spent so much time worrying about the crappy stuff and not enough time enjoying the good things, few though they may be, that I've almost forgotten how to laugh, to feel joy in my life. Well I'm here to tell you that to hell with all the bad stuff. I'm just not going to let it weigh me down any longer. There is so much that is totally out of my control that it's simply not worth my time or energy running around trying to fix everything. Most of the stuff that's happened I can't fix anyway because it's up to others to fix it for themselves.

This is not to say that I won't be there with loving support for my family and friends, but simply an adjustment in my attitude about me being the one who is responsible for fixing all that goes wrong. Like somehow it's my fault and because of that, my responsibility. The fact is most of this isn't my fault. I've always tried to do my best, never thinking to do harm. Maybe my best wasn't good enough in the long haul, but it was sincerely my best. I shouldn't feel guilty about that, ever, even when it simply wasn't enough it was still my personal best.

I think by accepting the fact that I simply can't fix everything nor should I even try in most cases, I might be able to let go of some of the anger and frustration that's been part of me all of these months. Though my feelings have been understandable it's not healthy to hang on to such garbage for very long. I'm going to take deep breathes and tell myself from now on, this too shall pass, perhaps like a kidney stone, but it WILL pass.