On a positive note...

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life, but I'm trying.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I'm not done...

At 5 AM this morning I woke up to the sound of running water. At first I thought it was my son taking a shower until I realized the sound was coming from my bathroom, not his. As I swung my feet onto the carpeted floor they splashed into about an inch or so of chilly water. The toilet tank had malfunctioned and was spilling water all over the floor. After turning off the valve I called maintenence. I've called the emergency number but they've yet to respond so I've sent my son off to rent a wetvac.

I'm experiencing bouts of hysterical laughter and having a really hard time holding on. I feel very beaten down right now. I'm trying to process all that has been happening in my life and I gotta say taking a rest is starting to look really, really good right now. There comes a point when no matter how hard you try to look on the bright side and remain positive if enough garbage piles up it begins to stink and there's no chance of covering it up. All you can do is leave.

The thing is, how do I want to leave? Part of me is seriously considering ending it once and for all. I'm willing to risk that it's just all over and there are no afterlife punishments for ending your life. As a matter of fact I don't know what the big deal is about a person chosing to take their own life. Why does everyone else fight so hard to keep you from doing that. I suppose it could be they want you to continue to share in the misery. A few of them probably love you and like having you around. Though, at the moment, I don't know why.

Another part of me is considering just leaving and going off somewhere alone for a bit or maybe forever. Is that how or where the homeless start? They just decide to leave oneday. I don't think I'd like being homeless very much. I like bathing everyday too much to let myself go that far.

So far I haven't been a quiter, ended it all, or run away. Maybe I haven't been an active player and that might be the problem, the lesson life is trying to get me to learn. I need to step up and become a more active participant in my life, rather then simply letting life do what it will with me. I run around putting my finger in all the leaks but I think I've finally run out of fingers. So instead I need to shore up the walls and the foundation better.

Okay, enough of feeling sorry for myself. No, I'm not going to end it all and I won't run away. I'll regroup and figure out a plan of action for moving forward. And life if you want to throw more shit my way, go ahead you son of a bitch. I'm going to start coming at you and punching back. This round ain't over yet! Can YOU take it?

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