On a positive note...

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life, but I'm trying.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Missing my mom.

My mom died January 31, 2003. I've never really mourned her death or even acknowledged how painful it was to me. I've always been the strong one of the siblings, the first born, older and wiser so I've been told. It's true my mom relied on me a lot to help her run the household when my dad deserted us when I was 13. Since she had to work to support us, she gave me much responsibility for my sister and brother, but it wasn't too much for me to handle. I was always a kind of sober, thoughtful child so adult responsibility wasn't a problem for me.

When my mom died it happened so quickly I wasn't able to be there to say goodbye. I was living in Los Angeles at the time and couldn't make it back home to New Orleans in time to tell her how much I loved her and thank her for doing the best she could one last time. I look back now and see how I closed off my feelings regarding her loss. I was so busy trying to homeschool my son to a high school diploma and managing to regroup after the huge financial blow of my husband being downsized from a job he had held for 25 years that I forgot to take care of my own personal feelings. I was too busy making sure everyone else's needs were being met and that they were all as happy as possible that I pushed back just how unhappy I was at the time.

As a result of my son going through a lot of different problems over the last couple of years, I was able to keep the lid on my feelings for over three years. Now that the financial problems and the problems my son was having are being resolved, I have more time for myself. The funny thing is instead of feeling happy and content that the problems I've been having are becoming less and less, I've been feeling very blue and sad. I had no idea why I was feeling the way I do until I was talking to someone and said how much I missed my mom. You see when I resolved a problem well, and I've been resolving a lot of problems very well lately, she had always been there to tell me how proud of me she was and I miss hearing her say that to me.

When I acknowledged that, the flood gates opened. I cried for almost an hour. I still cry a bit everyday. Mourning is a process and it takes time. I do know my mom is in heaven and looking down on me very proudly. I know she loved me as much as I love her. Each day I think of all the good times we had and each day I heal just a little more. She left me a lot, strength, a good heart and mind, a caring nature and the ability to love even in the hard times. She gave me so much while she was here and now I'm going to try and pass it on to my son. Maybe one day he will say thank you to me in a quiet prayer just as I do to my mom now.

Thank you mom. I love you so much.


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